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Ok It's Time for my...Annual *Pre-Burning Man Rant and Predictions!!
Ok It's Time for my . . . Annual Pre-Burning Man Rant and Predictions!!! After 22+ years of attendance, I have watched this festival go from what was described by Wired Magazine in 1997 as, "what the internet would be like if it was happening in reality" to 2020 where, "What? In reality, this festival is happening on the internet" ?!? What a serious head fuck . . . So strap in or strap on and get ready for disappointment . . . like virtually everything in this virtual world right now. Here goes this year's Virtual Rant! PREDICTIONS The Virtual Burn is going the be everything you think it could be . . . an underwhelming and depressing reminder that you are not going the real Burning Man this year. While it is still better than nothing, nothing is an extremely low bar. Get ready for a clusterfuck of 8 separately-produced interpretive video game dreamscapes, made by skilled teams of programmers eager to prove that their world-building technology will be able to make future financial investors a shitload of money. Burning Man 2021 is a 50/50 chance at best. 2022 is not looking that great either. Between The Org burning cash on side projects, the FEDs wanting to crack down hard and the Bureau of Land Management clearly pretty fucking stoked that they did not have to deal with the whole shitshow this year, it's going to be an uphill battle for the festival to return. Huge changes will need to be made. Those few gluttons for punishment who do decide to go to the playa this week will be treated to Burning Man without the Burning Man Experience. It will take all the hard work, organization and preparation for survival in the middle of a harsh desert environment for a week of Burning Man . . . just without the Burning Man. If there is one silver lining of the event not happening this year, it's the fact that I don't have to pack up my dust covered Burning Man bullshit from last year, drive 19 hours, then have to smuggle drugs inside my ass to make it past the BLM rangers just go camping in one of the most fucking miserable and inhospitable places on earth. Without Shirtcockers, Megaphones and Massive Thumping Soundsystems, it's just a bogus camping trip in bad weather with a shitload of cops. This year we will NOT be seeing the usual post-Burn MASSSIVE FLOOD of social media posts from Burners who lost their nice $60 water bottle/container somewhere on the playa, often accompanied by a story of why this particular water container was of importance because it has a strap on it, followed by a brief description of unique camps stickers on it and a photo of said missing water bottle/container. In fact, while we are starting to think about cutting costs -- How about lost and found stops giving a fuck about your overpriced water bottle. You lost it, Becky . . . let it go. You spent 20 times More Money on Cocaine for the week than the price of your fucking stoopid-Smart-Bottle-container. THE VIRTUAL BURN This year’s Virtual Burn brings about more questions than it does answers. How will Shirtcockers express their hatred of pants without a Burning Man? In a virtual world, they become no different than unsolicited dick pics. How will Artcar Owners be able to swing their metaphorical dicks around without their Artcars booming Deep House music to show the world their girth. Sure, you can build one in the Minecraft world for this years Burn . . .But lets face it: No one is gonna be like "Who did that 3D CAD drawing, I totally wanna fuck them!" What will all the Assholes with Megaphones do without Burners to heckle? Without handheld amplified audio devices and wide-open spaces, they become no different than Internet Trolls. How will Hippies on a Vision Quest be able find their spirit animal online? Without a guided shamanic ritual and Temple to burn, they become no different than someone playing Animal Crossing. If there is no moop or trash to clean up in a virtual Burning Man how can Moop-shamers be able to prove to campmates and others that they are better at "doing Burning Man " than everyone else? In a virtual world they become no different than a Sarah McLaughlin Green Peace commercial. How will Dooshbonnets and Dooshbags be able to gain followers on Instagram without the giant Robot Heart to climb? How can they show the world that they not only have braved the pool of Piranhas chomping for position for line, negotiated past the all-seeing and all-knowing doorgirl with a clipboard, proving that they have climbed both the social and physical ladder to reach the top of the Robot Heart, so that they may look down upon the lowly dancefloor with both spite and pity for the unwashed masses who where not able achieve such greatness. Without this accomplishment, they become no different than average Twitter users vying for Celebrity attention. How will Burning Man DJs be able to disappoint us with poorly executed timing and bullshit Michael Jackson remixes? Without huge Soundsystems to bang out the worst in modern electronic music, DJs just become . . . The SAME TERRIBLE DJs just now on Twitch! #playatech #Djstreaming #Djsofburningman Although each Virtual World must have been an amazing feat of programming in its scope and size, it kinda feels like a huge project that was done in a short amount of time. None of the Eight Worlds, in any way, reflect the typical Burning Man experience. However, there are a few non-official super realistic Burning Man simulators out there. By far the most realistic experience has to be the "Getting Out More This Year" Simulator. The player is welcomed to a rich and tangible 3D World of Chris's DopeAss 70s RV, which is camped way out on 4:30 and H, where your avatar can spend all day and all night doing fun things like Ketamine, or other colorful interactive game play such as snorting Ketamine, and even interact with the virtual Chris’s chat box and watch his avatar do Ketamine. Other game play options include doing Ketamine, talking about doing Ketamine and also doing Ketamine. The more days and nights spent doing Ketamine, the higher the score! If you want to experience what a typical Burner really does the whole week, than this one is for you!! Then we have: "Let's Go Party" . . . the online multi-player game where the objective is to get your group of more than 6 Burners to try and leave camp, and all go out to party together. I did not have much fun playing. I was never able to leave the front of camp. 14 hours of game play later, Brenda still needs to go back for chapstick and Ricky can’t find his bag of blow. Then once Brenda arrives ready, Kaleporia is cold and needs a scarf. Darkwad David is going back to get some blinky lights for the 3rd time. Now Timmy can't find his cigarettes . . . Fuck. “ManBun Boyfriend”. In this first person POV game, you (the ManBun) has little to no control within the game, with only a single "Ok, Sure" button to navigate within the world. The game play opens as the player is dragged out of bed at 6 AM by the onscreen girlfriend who takes you (the ManBun) on an treacherous journey of sunrise yoga classes, self help lectures, think and grow rich seminars, yoga, positive affirmation workshops, mindful guided mediations, yoga, healing arts ceremonies, wellness and well-being talks, yoga, vegan lifestyle in the new age conferences, yoga, mindful-and-wellness-group-chat and also yoga. Extra points if you can score a selfie in front of the Giant BELIEVE letters!! After 8 grueling hours of game play, it simply flashes a screen where girlfriend says "I'm Tired", and the “ManBun Boyfriend” simulator then restarts game play to opening sequence. “DJs Girlfriend”. This simulation offers a similar experience to “ManBun Boyfriend”. However, in this first person POV game, you (the DJs Girlfriend) is invited to Follow "Dj GlockTrigger" on a dubstep-and-monster-energy-drink-filled adventure as you (the DJs Girlfriend) is rushed from empty dancefloor to empty dancefloor, while picking up extra points if you can find him a "line of blow". After 12 hours of game play the screen flashes "Hey babe I'm gonna go drink with the boyies" and game play is reset. THE RANT I am not that great at finance. Obviously. I’ve been to Burning Man 22 times. That should tell you enough about my poor financial / life choices. But even this burnout Burner can do the math and see that the Burning Man Org is in financial trouble. Burning Man may need to sell out to save itself. It would not be the first time.. Burning Man "sold out" to the PsyTrance community in 1997. To help ticket sales, the Bay Area was flooded with seriously lame underproduced Rave flyers. Or maybe Dr. Dre can toss in a few million to keep The Org afloat once again. Or hey why don't we start tickling Elon Musk's balls again, and see if we can start choking on his shaft in return for some sweet corporate demon semen sponsorship. The Org has already gone pinky finger deep with him. Like when Tesla brought out a full-on Electric Car Expo. That's right, in 2007, at Burning Man, right at fucking Esplanade & 9:00, they had what can only be described as an “anonymous car dealership” from “the green future”, complete with lengthy-worded displays filled with lofty promises of clean energy, infused with subtle corporate propaganda. In the center of the exhibit sat a life-size solid black plastic model Tesla car. As well as someone on guard 24/7 to make sure no one tagged or fucked with the stoopid thing. I personally got chased out for drawing a dick in the DUST on the window! All I know is they should have burnt it down or blew it up by the end of the week, but that lame ass mother fucker was still there on Sunday when I journeyed back to draw a dick on it again -- this time with a PAINT PEN. After executing a perfect fat-sacked-choad-headed-donger on the hood, I was once again chased out by rangers, this time with pitchforks screaming bloody murder for my head!! Fuck you, Ranger Doug! You will never be able to prove that was Me!!! So Look, it's not the first time The Org spread its asscheeks for a little bit of corporate dick on the side. They also bent over back in 2013 and let Mark Fucking Zuckerberg bring a Giant Golden 'LIKE' sculpture out there. I just hope they did the right thing by the end of week and it was killed with fire. SO we know The Org is corporateBiCurious. Time to snuggle up, get out of the corporate cocksucking closet and cash in on the fact that this place sold out a long time ago. Start flirting with attractive corporate entities like Mark Z, the Google Boys, Elon, Tommy Boy from Myspace, or maybe even P-Diddy to toss in some cash to get this fucking party started again! Yo, Elon! How can we have Burning Man on Mars in 2050 as planned, if we can’t keep it going on Earth for the next 30 years? At this point, The Org can spread their legs in the backseat of that Tesla and change next years theme to Space-X. I could give a FUCK!!!!! As long as we can keep Old Naked Dudes On Bikes rolling free. Let some of these cocksucking limpdick corporations like Doritos -- who have already profited from using our Artcars and culture in a their fabricated commercials -- actually fucking pay us money and we will let them shoot a real commercial out there. Have fun pixelating the nipples out of the background actors. I COULD GIVE A FUCK as long as Shirtcockers have a natural habitat to dongslap and roam free. Let Brazzers.com build the Temple! I sincerely really don't care what they do . . . as long as Assholes with Megaphones have wide open spaces to heckle Burners in the Black Rock Desert like GOD intended. BACK TO BASICS : THE FESTIVAL WILL NEED TO RESEST Maybe The Org will stop fisting themselves in the burnhole with all the Cultural-Direction-Bullshit and get down to brass tax here. They have spent years trying to market the festival as a family-friendly-non-offensive-all-inclusive-experience for the suburban upperclass while still catering to the super elite. We need The Org to provide the DPW and Tickets . . . Not for Cultural Direction, or Large Scale Art Funding Circle Jerks, Abstract Charity Causes, International Involvement, or any of the Meaningless Feel-Good Propaganda tools they use to control the image of the festival! The number one focus from here on out needs to be the festival itself taking place once again in Black Rock City! This defacto-defunding of The Org is a blessing. Look, when it comes down to it, it's not about the lame fucking themes each year. It's about the Burners who come and contribute to the festival that makes it special. It’s not about overpriced art grants, or Rich-Dick Theme Camp placement priorities. It about the shitty unofficial un-themed camp at 7:00 and J blaring Discotrance music on a distorted soundsystem while giving away room temperature margaritas! I could give a fuck about all of the elaborate expensive blinking bullshit! Cuts cost! Make the Burning Man effigy from toothpicks for all I give a fuck. None of that shit really matters. The spirit of Burning Man is in the person giving away ice cream from a cooler out in deep playa on a hot afternoon. The soul of the festival is in Old Naked Dudes on a Bikes rolling free across the desert! The heart of the festival is the Nightmare Hippy Chick on Acid rolling around in the dust, screaming about her spirit vegetable. Believe me if The Org had its way, Burning Man would be nothing but Transformational Mediation Seminars, Yoga Classes, Ultra Overpriced Sculptures, and TED talks about how to get rich quick selling a new type of investment portfolio. I am perfectly happy with the crappy bars and half-assed theme camps that are there just to have a good time. We don't need The Org's unique brand of new age capital-elitism bullshit. They have clearly dropped the ball on the Cultural Direction for years, and the less they steer the ship, the better, cuz we have already washed up on the rocks. BULLSHIT CLICKBAIT “Top 10 Burning Man Pictures You Must See To Believe!” And once clicked, sure enough it’s nothing but a bunch of super basic-ass photos of some super-hot-Coachella-swinger-couple at sunset in front of the most gentrified “OMG I need to get a selfie in front that to show my followers on Instagram” artwork on the playa. You already know exactly where these fucksticks took the stoopid photo is front of, OF fucking course it's in front of the BELIEVE letters. It’s Basically the "live, laugh, love" of playa art. Really, I won't believe this ?! What I won't believe is that their relationship is going to last beyond next week . . . cuz there’s a 90% chance they are gonna join the wrong gangbang at the Orgy Dome and suddenly someone is not happy about the amount of buttfucking the other one received. Thanks Business Insider Magazine for exposing the public to the wild and crazy world that is Burning Man. Now every fucking Chad and Becky from Wall Street is trying to come here to get laid. "Bro if I was there I would bang so many Hot Chicks on top of those letters" . . . "OMG I LOVE those Letters!! We are SOOO going to Burning Man to meet our future husbands <3." How about 10 REAL photos you won’t believe? Too bad the cameras weren’t there to snap a picture of the guy who took a shower with a fat chick and midget porn star! It’s a shame no one from the Daily Mail UK was there to catch video of the guy who was tripping his nuts off and could not figure out how to unlock the door of the porta-potty -- escaping only by busting through the plastic roof and climbing out the top several hours later. Or how about that chick at the meditation camp that was able to summon a higher power of consciousness and transcended the spacetime continuum for a short/infinite amount of time! Where the fuck was BoredPanda.com to catch a photo of the person who was hit with a rubber dildo when it was carelessly thrown from the top of the Space Pirate ship into the Mayan Warrior crowd. Now That’s some real stuff that happens out there that I would be happy to clickbait on! THERE WILL BE SOME CHANGES MADE The Large Scale Art: Instead of funding massive installations that end up being resold to casinos on the Las Vegas strip, why not treat them like large Rich-Dick Theme Camps -- give the Installation Artists 200 DGS Tickets, and in return, these assholes will be happy to spend shitloads of money on blinky light towers or whatever, just so they can lock in those sweet sweet reserved tickets for themselves and their friends. The Tone: The Utopian Blinkylight Dreamscape has been cool for the past 16 years . . . Buuuut . . . it has gradually fallen out of touch with the world around us. For far too long, The Org has ignored camps or underfunded art that could be perceived as dark or controversial in any way, shape or form. Yet again, another example of their Cultural Direction Tactics to market Burning Man as a blinky-light-mickey-mouse-Epcot-Center for wealthy-business-insiders-and-celebrities featuring a safespace-family-oriented-wholesome-body-wellness-green-living-environment for social-media-influencer-photo-shoots. Burning Man has NEVER been a Safe place! In 1998, I witnessed a beheading by guillotine at the Opera Performance that was so realistic I spent the next 5 hours (still frying balls on acid!) convinced that Billy Graham was right about this place being a Satanic death cult that would bring about the end of the world. IT WAS DISTURBING! If the Barbie Death Camp incident at last years’ Burn taught us anything, it is that there clearly need to be risky and controversial works of art at the festival. We can't be having pussy-footed Australians throwing temper tantrums like little punk bitches CUZ they don't like the way someone put Barbie Dolls inside an oven! Why did that do-good-koala-humping-limpdick-ASS-licker think it was OK? Well . . .The Org has shoved the narrative that Burning Man is strictly "good vibes only" down our fucking throats so deep that we finally gagged from it. Why the fuck was that guy even there? Well, he clicked on the Business Insiders’ “Top Ten Burning Man Photos You Must See To BELIEVE” and thought it was gonna be nothing but butterfly sculptures and Instagram Models in front of giant letters. No Kids: Yep. Sorry Minecraft Burners, but you are gonna have to wait until you are 21 to come to this party! Renegotiating the insurance policy as an over-21 festival will save The Org millions and millions of dollars. Out of 80,000 people, less than .05% are under 21 . . .yet we have to check IDs at every fucking bar !? Every year the gate gets closed down and no one can filter in or out because someone asshole can't find their kid. This should be a HUGE red flag ! Law Enforcement uses the fact that minors are allowed at the event as justification to engage in predatory conduct such as undercover stings, camp raids and random tickets for unsuspecting bartenders who forget to check IDs. Also I am not comfortable with the legal grey area the Shirtcocking and Titbouncing in the presence of minors creates. And if it ever comes down to nudity versus allowing kids, I am sorry but we can't sacrifice the heart of this festival on account of the fact that you don't want to get a fucking babysitter for the week. Your kids could give a flying-donald-duck-fuck about Burning Man! You and I both know goddamn well that given the opportunity they would rather play video games for the week at grandma's house then have to listen to Mom and Dad fight at Burning Man all week about who got buttfucked by whom at the Orgy Dome. . . LEAVE THEM AT HOME!!!!!! So the rest of us can be free to fuck, drink, smoke and wave our goddamn dicks and clits around whereever we see fit!!! The Temple: In the early days of the David Best Temples, they were constructed from the leftover hollows of wooden dinosaur jigsaw puzzle pieces. It was low cost, recycled and pretty fucking cool! Last year’s Temple was overdesigned, structurally unsound, and made from rare rustic-oak hardwood and redwood trees imported from China. Let’s cut costs and just do what those guys from Belgium did in 2005. It's a Very Simple Plan. We get a shitload of old 2x4 boards and fucking Wing It! The Belgium Waffle House would have made a perfectly good Temple. Garbage Dumpsters: Yep, that's right. In the future we will have dumpsters at Burning Man! All the Survivalist and Moop-shaming Burners say it will destroy the festival. Guess what, Burn Nut? It's already common practice for larger theme camps to rent dumpsters that are emptied at the end of the week!! It's been going on for YEARS! So what? Theme Camps will now have to pay a dumpster fee and there will be strict rules around any public dumpsters. Believe me The Org will provide the minimum amount possible to accommodate the BLM. It won't be nearly enough dumpsters for everyone to just toss all their trash, recycling and extra bikes into. Don't worry, Radical Self-Reliant Survivalist Burnertypes, other people will still have to suffer packing up and dealing with their own trash on the ride home. Moop-shamers rejoice! You will definitely still be able to shame people for mooping and not cleaning up, if not even more so now. I don't see why we can't be Radically Self-Reliant by having dumpsters on site. We will still Leave No Trace, while leaving one less thing for surrounding communities to bitch about. Build the Wall !!! Ya fuck it! Build the Wall. So what? Honestly, it will be more aesthetically pleasing than that fucking orange fence. And if that is what the Feds want, that's cool with me -- as long as The Org gets to choose who does Security! Thank fucking god we are not doing Burning Man this year. With the world on fire all around us, it seems a bit tone-def to hold a giant rave utopia party! I, for one, will be enjoying the week indoors under air-conditioning and rolling around in the heaps of cash I am saving by not going. I’m not attending a single workshop to expand my consciousness, not giving a single gift to anyone, and not being radical or self-reliant in any way. Fuck your Virtual Burn. I am Zapper Jones. I will see you in the Dust again . . . Sometime Somewhere in the Future!
This probably shouldn't be here, but this is every Sonic game and their levels that I can remember on the spot.
Sonic 1 (16-bit): Green Hill, Marble, Spring Yard, Labyrinth, Star Light, Scrap Brain, Final Sonic 1 (8-bit): Green Hill, Bridge, Jungle, Labyrinth, Scrap Brain, Sky Base Sonic 2 (8-bit): Under Ground, Sky High, Aqua Lake, Green Hills, Gimmick Mt. Scrambled Egg, Crystal Egg Sonic 2 (16-bit): Emerald Hill, Chemical Plant, Aquatic Ruin, Casino Night, Hill Top, Mystic Cave, Oil Ocean, Metropolis, Sky Chase, Wing Fortress, Death Egg Sonic CD: Palmtree Panic, Collision Chaos, Tidal Tempest, Quartz Quadrant, Wacky Workbench, Stardust Speedway, Metallic Madness Sonic Chaos: Turquoise Hill, Gigalopolis, Sleeping Egg, Mecha Green Hill, Aqua Planet, Electric Egg SegaSonic the Hedgehog: Volcanic Vault, Icy Isle, Desert Dodge, Trap Tower, Landslide Limbo, Wild Water Way, Eggman's Tower Sonic 3: Angel Island, Hydrocity, Marble Garden, Carnival Night, Ice Cap, Launch Base Sonic & Knuckles: Mushroom Hill, Flying Battery, Sandopolis, Lava Reef, Hidden Palace, Sky Sanctuary, Death Egg, The Doomsday Sonic Triple Trouble: Great Turquoise, Sunset Park, Meta Junglira, Robotnik Winter, Tidal Plant, Atomic Destroyer Knuckles' Chaotix Isolated Island, Botanic Base, Speed Slider, Amazing Arena, Techno Tower, Marina Madness Sonic 3D Blast: Green Grove, Rusty Ruin, Spring Stadium, Diamond Dust, Volcano Valley, Gene Gadget, Panic Puppet, The Final Fight Sonic Adventure: Emerald Coast, Windy Valley, Casinopolis, Icecap, Twinkle Park, Speed Highway, Red Mountain, Sky Deck, Hot Shelter*, Lost World, Final Egg * E-102 Gamma, Amy, and Big only Sonic the Hedgehog Pocket Adventure: Neo South Island, Secret Plant, Cosmic Casino, Aquatic Relix, Sky Chase, Aerobase, Gigantic Angel, Last Utopia, Chaotic Space Sonic Adventure 2: City Escape, Metal Harbor, Green Forest, Pyramid Cave, Crazy Gadget, Final Rush Wild Canyon, Pumpkin Hill, Aquatic Mine, Death Chamber, Meteor Herd Prison Lane, Mission Street, Route 101, Hidden Base, Eternal Engine Radical Highway, White Jungle, Sky Rail, Final Chase Dry Lagoon, Egg Quarters, Security Hall, Route 280, Mad Space Iron Gate, Sand Ocean, Lost Colony, Weapons Bed, Cosmic Wall Sonic Advance: Neo Green Hill, Secret Base, Casino Paradise, Ice Mountain, Angel Island, Egg Rocket, Cosmic Angel, X-Zone, The Moon Sonic Advance 2: Leaf Forest, Hot Crater, Music Plant, Ice Paradise, Sky Canyon, Techno Base, Egg Utopia, XX, True Area 53 Sonic Heroes: Seaside Hill, Ocean Palace, Grand Metropolis, Power Plant, Casino Park, BINGO Highway, Rail Canyon, Bullet Station, Frog Forest, Lost Jungle, Hang Castle, Mystic Mansion, Egg Fleet, Final Fortress Sonic Advance 3: Route 99, Sunset Hill, Ocean Base, Toy Kingdom, Twinkle Snow, Cyber Track, Chaos Angel, Altar Emerald, Nonaggression Sonic Rush: Leaf Storm, Water Palace, Mirage Road, Night Carnival, Huge Crisis, Altitude Limit, Dead Line, Unknown, Exception Sonic Rivals: Forest Falls, Colosseum Highway, Sky Park, Crystal Mountain, Death Yard, Meteor Base Sonic the Hedgehog: Wave Ocean, Dusty Desert, White Acropolis, Crisis City, Flame Core, Radical Train, Tropical Jungle, Kingdom Valley, Aquatic Base, End of the World Sonic Rush Adventure: Plant Kingdom, Machine Labyrinth, Coral Cave, Haunted Ship, Sky Babylon, Blizzard Peaks, Pirates' Island, Big Swell, Deep Core Sonic Rivals 2: Blue Coast, Sunset Forest, Neon Palace, Frontier Canyon, Mystic Haunt, Chaotic Inferno Sonic and the Secret Rings: Lost Prologue, Sand Oasis, Dinosaur Jungle, Evil Foundry, Levitated Ruin, Pirate Storm, Skeleton Dome, Night Palace Sonic Unleashed: Windmill Isle, Savannah Citadel, Rooftop Run, Cool Edge, Arid Sands, Skyscraper Scamper, Jungle Joyride, Eggmanland Sonic Colors: Tropical Resort, Sweet Mountain, Starlight Carnival, Planet Wisp, Aquarium Park, Asteroid Coaster, Terminal Velocity Sonic Lost World: Windy Hill, Desert Ruins, Tropical Coast, Frozen Factory, Silent Forest, Sky Road, Lava Mountain Sonic Mania: Angel Island*, Green Hill, Chemical Plant, Studiopolis, Flying Battery, Press Garden, Stardust Speedway, Hydrocity, Mirage Saloon, Oil Ocean Lava Reef, Metallic Madness, Titanic Monarch, Egg Reverie *Encore Mode only Sonic Forces: Lost Valley, Spaceport, Ghost Town, Prison Hall, Egg Gate, Arsenal Pyramid, Luminous Forest, Green Hill, Park Avenue, Casino Forest, Aqua Road, Sunset Heights, Capital City, Chemical Plant, Red Gate Bridge, Guardian Rock, Network Terminal, Death Egg, Metropolitan Highway, Null Space, Imperial Tower, Mortar Canyon, Iron Fortress, Final Judgement (will edit when new games are released)
2020 r/baseball Power Rankings -- Week 4: Top 10 Has New NL West Members, Flying Fish Soar, Blue Jays Plummet, Houston We Have a Problem but Phoenix and DC, Too
Hey Sportsfans — it's time for Week 4 of baseball's 2020 Power Rankings — Four weeks into the season and we've learned a lot: some teams win, some teams lose, and some don't play baseball at all. We solider on, trying to make sense of a season best described as 'baseball as viewed by a drunk Jake Peavy through a broken kaleidoscope'. You may notice the Cardinals are being treated differently this week. There was one tie this week between the #22 and #23 teams -- our 2nd tiebreaker, run differential, was used to break. Difference of just two runs! Every voter has their own style / system and the only voting instructions are these:
"To an extent determined individually, you must take into account how strong a team is right now and likely to be going forward. You must, to some degree, give weight to the events and games of the previous week."
The auxiliary post with added data / fun can be seen here. TRANSPARENCY: this link will show you who voted each team where and has added neat statistics! If something is a little messed up, feel free to pester me let me know. Total Votes: 29 of 30. So close.
Ohhhhh Mooookieeee, when you caaame and you gaaave without taaakinnnng, and I need ya today ohhhh Mookie. I am in love. Hell, even AJ Pollock did the impossible, and won me over despite his 0 for everything playoffs last year. Now if only Cody could find himself... Here's the scary part: The Dodgers are rolling and they are nowhere near playing at their ceiling. If you can't beat this team while its firing on half its cylinders, how the hell do you beat them when they're firing on all of them?
Bit of a rough week for the Yankees, but the bats are still alive and well against pitchers I've never heard of. Everyone knows Judge leads the league in HR, but did you know DJ leads the league in Singles? Great to see him having a bit of a repeat from last season's performance. Additionally, Britton and Green have been fantastic out of the pen, and Chapman is going to be back at some point.
Mon. had a ten run W vs. the M's. Next was TEX- Piscotty hit the 2nd walk-off GS of our year then we finished a quick sweep. The HOU series opener was cursed- we had 15 LOBs, left a runner on 3rd with 0/1 outs 3 seperate times, but down to our last strike A. Allen hit a single and M. Semien sealed the game. Montas/Luzardo/Bassit were dynamic and our pen is the league's best. Our lineup might lead MLB in Ks, but we're second in BBs. Just before sweeping the cheats R. Laureano, worth 1 bWAR, got his 2nd HBP of the day. We lead the league in those. After jawing at the RP, he arrived at 1st base. Their batting coach, a human dirtbag, taunted our mvp into a brawl even if it was he worked for a club shamed by scandals and a HS JV quality bullpen.
Roller-coaster week for the Braves. We lost our ace for the season. We got Markakis back and Will Smith made his debut. Acuña quadrupled his homer total in one day and Freeman continues to hit. Still looking good for us, but we definitely need to make a move. Our bullpen is incredible, but this meme made by u/riseupidemic sums it up: Our bullpen is doing big things, but...
We capped off a six game winning streak with a 4 game losing streak. Some were pretty flukey, but we really need the bats to wake up. Also, having three starters on the IL isn't ideal.
The Cubs played well against the Royals, and then the Cardinals series was postponed. With no evidence that any Cardinals players actually went to a casino or broke protocol more than any other team, I believe that fans making moral judgments against the Cardinals are wrong. Perhaps we shouldn't blame teams for getting a deadly disease during a global pandemic; getting the coronavirus is not a moral indictment. Let's be better fans and better people as the world is falling apart.
The Tribe pitching continues to dazzle - the rotation has put up a quality start in all but two games, one of which was 5.2 shutout innings. Meanwhile the bullpen has a sub-1 ERA if you take away a single nightmare outing by Brad Hand. The less said about the batting order the better, but there's no way they can rank dead last in BA and SLG all year, right guys? G-g-guys?
The Rockies have the 2nd best run differential in baseball going into Sunday's games due in large part to their starting pitching. Their offense has been middle of the pack so far but that's with Nolan Arenado hitting about as poor as we've ever seen from him. Charlie Blackmon is the early favorite for NL MVP as he racks up a .446/.475/.679 slash. Last week: 5-2. This week: 3 vs AZ & 3 vs Texas.
A return to Dome Sweet Dome is what the Rays needed to right the ship, splitting the sox and winning a tight series with the Yankees. The bats still need to come around, you would think it'd be hard to stay ice cold in Florida and all. The most inspiring things for Rays fans this week were the retunr of Austin Meadows and having a non-Zunino catcher not only bat, but also get the clutch walkoff to send the Yanks home. Let us all pray Charlie Morton is ok and flap on.
The Pads scored every one of their fourteen runs in the Arizona series by way of the long ball. We got to see Luis Pattiño in some relief after being called up, and saw Hos return to action. Fernando Tatis Jr. is very good at baseball. This week we started against the Dodgers, then played the D’Backs, while looking ahead we play the Dodgers, then have a series against the D’Backs…
Our pitching is, for the most part, bad. Seriously, almost our entire bullpen is comprised of AA and A rookies with a handful of MLB appearances under their belt. When the pitching is not bad, our offense is bad and we can't provide enough run support. I've seen enough extra inning games this season. Hard to feel confident in the team right now, but hopefully the beginning of a homestand will turn things around.
Eloy getting tangled in the left field netting is going to be on lowlight reels for a long time and his 0-20 slide makes it worse. Thankfully, we're looking at a 4 day weekend with the Cards series in doubt. If you told the fanbase in the spring we would be 8-8 after 16 games, most would be happy. A week of the offense averaging 2.5 runs makes 8-8 feel a lot worse. On the plus side, Giolito has looked like an ace again and Moncada is on a 20 game on base streak.
Props to BeHereNow91 for stealing my lead in about Yelich this past week, short version Yelich is rocking a 1.400 OPS this week. A few other key players have been getting some really interesting BABIP stats. Hiura with his .333 BABIP and only .250 AVG and Gyorko with the .375 BABIP/.250 AVG split.
It’s a special kind of hell having the best rotation in the entire league and the worst bullpen in the entire league. Yesterday’s loss was a microcosm of the season: leading 2-1 going into the 6th inning and trailing 9-2 by the end of the 7th. Michael Lorenzen has surrendered 10 earned runs in 5.1 innings while the combination of Gray, Bauer, Disco, and Mahle have allowed the same number in 64.1 innings. If you remove Tejay Antone’s stellar mopup job against Chicago, the Reds’ bullpen has an unfathomably bad 8.32 ERA. In other news, they’re batting .203 as a team and got shutout by the Indians two nights in a row.
The Nats did not respond well coming out of their break. They have played poorly against AL East power-team, the Baltmiore Orioles, and have not given a lot of reason for hope. However, Sean Doolittle is a national treasure and it is completely unacceptable to harass a human on Twitter for poor sports performance. If you logged into your account and tweeted or DM'd Doo, you should be ashamed of yourself and turn in your World Series gear because you don't deserve it.
This was an interesting week. Just when you think the Mets are in freefall they come back, and go 4-2, including taking 2 of 3 from "The Best Team in the League" (technically, at the time) Miami Marlins. On top of that Conforto is swinging a hot bat, the team has scored a couple of actual runs, and deGrom even got a win (two in a row!). However, Alonso is quickly turning into Adam Dunn with a better (at times) glove, and the bullpen is still shaky despite Jared Hughes being the bright spot nobody saw coming. Well, what's see what this next week brings... together :) #GiménezNLROY2020
The Phillies didn't have all that bad of a week all things considered. After a week long break, they split a series with the Yankees and went 1-2 against the Braves. Harper and Realmuto have looked great, and the introduction of Spencer Howard a better (?) Arrieta means the Phillies might just have a servicable rotation. The bullpen is a different story. If they can somehow put together a not terrible bullpen, they should have a shot at the playoffs and maybe some more.
What this team has been able to do with a bunch of replacement players is a testament to the coaching staff Miami has. Primarily, the bullpen. We may have even found a couple diamonds in the rough. That being said, replacement batters havent fared as well. After some initial success, solid Mets pitching has shown that the lineup sorely misses Ramirez, Rojas, Cooper and Alfaro at the plate. Once our guys come back from covid, this team should be able to finish out tough games like yesterdays. Wouldnt be a surprised to see them finish at or slightly above .500 this season. We got Blue jays and Braves this week.
Don't look now, but Detrot is one half game off the lead for the AL Central, making these boys rather tough to rank. If the Tigers can continue to be competitive, look to find Casey Mize getting the call sooner rather than later to help shore up the back end of the rotation. This week: 3 vs. CWS, 2 vs STL (although this is unlikely), and 3 vs. CLE.
It's week 4 and the Orioles are at .500. A miracle if you ask me. They get swept by the Marlins (probably to avoid COVID) and then should have swept the Nats. Can anyone explain to me why the Yankees got a rain shortened win earlier this year and the Orioles have their game suspended? Weird...
Wear a mask. Wash your hads. Started the weekend with the worst record in the AL, now 2nd place in the AL West with a playoff spot after a sweep of the Angels and still 2 games below .500. That's the Rangers way.
The Buffalo Blue Jays are finally going home! The first MLB game at Sahlen field will take place on Tuesday, and the migratory birds will be able to settle in. Hopfully it will lead to the bats waking up. The Jays have been the 5th worst hitting team in baseball by wRC+, posting a pitiful line of .218/.277/.366. Good thing the pitching has been good.
Decent week for the Sox this time around. Our pitching staff came to play for once, however with impeccable timing the offense decided to disappear for a bit, leaving us with a respectable 3-2 record for the week. Of note is Verdugo, who had a standout game against Toronto with 2 HRs as well as robbing one from off of none other than Former-Red-Sock Travis Shaw. Calling it now, Verdugo 2022 AL MVP
D-backs continue to underperform their talent level as their streaky offense can't buoy a terrible, no-good pitching staff. MadBum hasn't looked like himself all year and is currently being evaluated for back issues in Phoenix, while Ray is as frustrating as ever. Zac Gallen and Merrill Kelly have looked legitimately fantastic, but it's hard to get by on two good starting pitching performances a week.
A winning streak and a sweep of the Twins? Really? That just happened? While Brad Keller helps the rotation, and getting rid of Jorge Lopez helps any pitching staff, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. This is still a rebulding team, and while the sudden show of competence is nice, the Royals are not suddenly going to contend for the postseason. Unless Lopez was that fucking useless...
Justus Sheffield claimed his first career win this past week. Another bright light in a ridiculous season. Once baseball returns for real, the Mariners should be a force to reckon with as the new guys are looking fantastic. Evan White's glove is a beautiful thing.
In todays log we will discuss the fluffy’s second most common killer. Humans. But before we do that I would like to explain more of the fluffy’s biology. The nutrition of the fluffy in the Neverglades is actually quite good. They are omnivores believe it or not. Meat does have some vital vitamins that they require to sustain good nutrition. However, they can have a full vegetarian diet and survive, however, their muscles and digestive system will not be up to par. Fluffy’s from the north tend to have lots of diarrhea, that is what happens if their only food source is just milk or just grass. Grass is low in fiber and nutrients compared to other vegetables so it is no wonder northern feral fluffy’s defecation is mostly liquid. In Florida, they can eat pond apples. A very bitter but still nutritious cousin of the apples we know and love. Fluffies don’t seem to mind the bitter taste, however, that is because they are feral. Pond apples were given to domestic fluffies and they rejected it. As ferals they will make the most out of any flavor. Other fruits they can eat are seagrapes, coconuts, and the thousands of orange, lime, and peach trees left over from the farms. Such trees are now spreading all throughout the Neverglades. As for meat, they have 2 main sources. Other fluffies, foals, and insects. They will munch on the countless grasshoppers, ants, beetles, and any other small arthropod. So I guess fluffies are above at least bugs in the food chain, however there are plenty of insects that can eat them if they have large numbers. With such a balanced diet, mares rarely have stillborns or defective foals! Also these Neverglade fluffy fecal matter is solid. Their rear ends still get covered in the stuff however… The Neverglades have countless factions that scour the land. Keep in mind fluffies are biologically programmed to love humans unconditionally. Most feral fluffies have never seen a human and yet they still crave their love. Our drones have caught them murmuring to themselves that they want a “hooman huggies.” Humans are practically mythical gods to them at this point. When they do see one, they will become overjoyed and charge towards them asking for “huggies” and “gib upsies.” The human almost always kills them. After a few foul encounters with a human a fluffy will learn to fear us, unfortunately, they can’t seem to teach other fluffies that lesson. In parenthesis is how their standings are with fluffies, from most friendly to least it goes Loving-neutral-aggressive-hostile. Researchers (Neutral): Us, we do not kill fluffies unless required for an experiment or if we are low on food supplies. Rangers (Aggressive): These are the park Rangers, they are one half invasive species hunter, one half SWAT team. They will kill any python, boar, Nile crocodile, or iguana they come across. As for fluffies, they used to kill on sight, but the fluffy population always seemed to bounce back. They were spending countless dollars on ammo and trying to club a whole herd to death could take hours. And again, the fluffies always bounced back, always. They deemed it pointless unless using them for target practice. Also, they will kill them if bored. (Video plays, it seems to be from a phone) Filming Ranger: Duuuuddee got the ‘nade? A herd off fluffies are running to them in the distance, feint “huggies” and “upsies” can be heard. Other Ranger: Yeah dude! Fuckin’ watch. (Now Shouting) HEY FLUFFS, PLAY WITH BALL! He pulls the pin to the grenade and throws it at the herd. The fluffies shout “yay baww! fank 'ou.” They played with the grenade for only a second before it went off, causing blood, shit, fur, and dead foals to coat the surrounding land. The explosion was followed by the roaring laughter of the Rangers. (Video Ends) Armed with assault rifles and large artillery, the Rangers are also in the Neverglades to stop the Cuban Cartels, Brofluff Cultists, Anarchists, malfunctioning robots, and any other nefarious activity in the Neverglades. [Redacted] Man (Extremely hostile, even to [Redacted]!): [Redacted] Man is [Redacted], im*e#sely da^ng3r&s [Red4c1ed] d0 4OT A9pr0c#----- Squatters (Hostile): Not everyone took kindly to evacuate all land south of Lake Okeechobee order. Many demanded to say, and the governor obliged, however, he warned them that there would be no police force or fire fighters to protect them, or corporations to supply jobs. Over the years many Squatters moved back to the inhabited parts of Florida such as the pan handle after life got too rough. Not only that, many Squatters have been killed by the Cartels, Anarchists, and even panthers and black bears. The Fort of Fort Myers was completely destroyed by [Redacted] Man. Which used to be the largest Squatter stronghold. Now they are sparse and no longer live in large communities, instead they live more of a hermit life. Fluffies are their main source of meat. They will hunt them; such a task is easily done with fluffies prancing to them. But they will also construct traps. The most effective is a Comfortfluffy. Think of it like a scarecrow but opposite. It is human effigy that it is made to attract Fluffies. As they approach the comfortfluffy, the fluffies will try to hug it. At the base of the comfortfluffy is a large mouse trap device hidden under pine needles. Such a device can kill 5 fluffies in 1 activation. (Video starts) A Comfortfluffy is erected in the backyard of an isolated house in a grassland. Around the Comfortfluffy is tan palmfrawns that hide the killing mechanism. There is even a small radio hidden in the chest of the Comfortfluffy playing songs one would hear on Fluffy TV. A small pack of 5 adult fluffies with 2 mares with foals on their backs happily waddle towards the comfortfluffy shouting “huggies!” They begin to nudge the pants of the comfortfluffy and although metal creaking sounds could be heard, the trap does not activate. Then one of the fluffies begins to jump while singing “upsies!” The jump was just the pressure needed to activate the trap. A rusty screech is heard as the trap activates and 4 mouse trap-like bars swing down around the comfortfluffy. The cheers of the fluffies turn to a quick shriek, a loud crack, followed by some meek crying. 3 of the fluffies died on impact, their scull or chest cavity popped like a pimple. The 2 that survived had their hind ends crushed and their entrails shot out their rear. “Big owwies!!!” They meekly cried as the life in them slowly drained. The Foals that got hit by the bars were completely obliterated. The ones that were not hit were completely unscathed, however, they began to cry about everyone taking the “foweba sweepies.” As shadow then looms over them. “Sandra! Were havin’ foal stew tonight!” (Video ends) Cuban Cartels (Hostile): Even after the legalization of marijuana the Cartels did not slow down. They are still quite in business thanks to the ever-growing demand for cocaine, heroin, and opium. The Cartels will make landfall in the Neverglades if the make it past the heavily patrolled Keys Atolls. They even have some bases the Rangers can’t take out unless they get military assistance. The Cartels will actively lure fluffies into their bases. They will put signs featuring happy looking humans with arrows pointing at the base. The fluffies will gladly follow the signs. Once lured into the base the Cartel henchmen will slaughter them for food. Anarchists (Loving to Hostile): True to the definition of their namesake, they have no set rules or governance, and most anarchist groups have no relation to one another. You’ll have the ones who come to the Neverglades to abuse its low surveillance to torture and murder Squatters, other anarchists, and any other poor human that gets in their way. They will of course have their way with any and all fluffies. Then you’ll have the more hippie kind who just want to have a nice little commune away from corporations. These are usually very loving to the fluffies, most wont even hunt them with the amount of vegans they have. However, these communes don’t last long due to attacks from the Cartels, other anarchists, [Redacted] Man, and even large animal attacks. We’ve even witnessed a massive pack of coyotes kill an entire commune. Brofluff Cult (Loving): This all male cult worships some sort of female equine pantheon. Part of their religion is to be subservient to all fluffies. They will come to the Neverglades and build small fluffly sized homes. They will cook countless spaghetti for the fluffies. They will protect the fluffies, even going as far as killing any human who dare hurts a fluffy. However, do note they will… mate… with a mare they call their “fluffu.” They will also breed fluffies in hopes of reincarnating the “Daughters of the Goddesses.” The Rangers will keep a close eye on them, if they make any aggressive move towards other humans the Rangers will rout them. Pirates (Hostile): Basically anarchists that patrol the seas. They will commonly go ashore to restock on fluffies unless the find a drifting boat full of fluffies. Fathers of Freeport (Hostile): Please remember, when I write “hostile” I only mean to fluffies, these men are actually very kind. The name of their faction was dubbed by me, they are simply Bahaman refugees searching for food. After sea level rise the Bahaman government disbanded, taking the upper class with them to live in Florida’s panhandle. The rest of the civilians were left to fend for themselves. Food is now critically short over in the Bahamas. What little land is left can’t grow food and the coral reefs have been overfished to depletion. However, some savvy fisherman have learned about the fluffy situation in Florida. They sail over to the east coast and collect a hulls worth of fluffies to take back to the remnants of their starving country. This particular group I was monitoring always stocks up at an atoll building at Hallandale Reef. This building is completely surrounded by water and somehow stuffed to the gills with fluffies on all dry floors. I was even able to intercept and question the captain of the fishing boat. (Start of transcript) Researcher: So what brought you to Hallandale Reef? Captain: The reefs ova’ by Miami have too many pirates scoutin’ the seas. But here it is close enough to Seminole Territory dat da pirates shy away. Researcher: Has the Seminoles have any qualms with you? Captain: Nah, dey know we mean no harm. We take only the fluffy ones. Dey seem to not care fo’ them. Researcher: Are you afraid this building will run out of fluffies? Captain: (Laughs) No, no, no. Dees tings have many many babs’. If anyting we be doing them a favor and stoppin’ them from ending up like our own home. Researcher: Have any of your men gotten hurt trying to farm these fluffies? Captain: Yes, a greenhorn died. The floors of dis building be covered in shit. Poor greenhorn slipped and fell down stairs. Researcher: I see, have you encountered [Redacted] Man? Captain: Oh no lord Jesus, nonono! We be going now, good day! Researcher: But… Captain: Our hulls are full, and you reminded me of why our people can’t immigrate here, goodbye! And may lord Jesus protect your soul, science man who pokes tings dat need not be pokin’! (End of Transcript) Seminole Tribe (Neutral): A very powerful faction on par with the Rangers when it comes to control in the Neverglades. With the rising waters the Seminoles have lost lots of their ancestral lands and the USA did not grant them any more territory. However, they adapted. Their crowing hotel, the Hard Rock Hotel was a casino and hotel that is shaped like a giant guitar. Now that it is surrounded by water, they modified it to work also as a yacht club and dock. They even built an underwater hotel near it. People from all over the world fly in to West Palm Beach to take a cruise to their establishment. They also rule the area with an iron fist, killing any pirates, cultists, Cartel, or any other undesirables that try to make a footing in their territory. To fluffies, they are indifferent. See them as nothing more as a pest. They will kill any feral fluffy that is found in the halls of their hotels. But for any fluffy roaming the marshes of their territory, they know culling won’t really solve anything, so they let nature take its course. They also breed fluffies for desirable colors and will even have Fluffy Shows where breeders exhibit their fluffy show-pony. Fighters For Florida (Or the FFF) (Neutral to Hostile): With the right permits and go aheads from government bodies, civilians can enter the Neverglades. The FFF is a hunting force of civilians that is organized to hunt invasive species such as pythons, Nile crocs, and any other invasive threat. However, ones hunting for pythons and such do not target fluffies because they know it will make no difference and their reserve ammo is better spent fighting any human threat that tries to harm them. That being said, some… questionably moraled FFF hunters that call themselves “abusers” come to the Neverglades to only torture fluffies to death. Since fluffies are labeled as invasive animals “to be removed by any means necessary” the abusers are 100% in legal right to… “hunt” fluffies in any way they want. That about covers the humans of the Neverglades. Now we shall talk about native fluffavores, aka native animals that can eat adult fluffies. The Black Bear: This animal is an omnivore in which 80% of their diet was vegetation. Not anymore, now their primary food source is fluffies. Because they are easier to hunt then to forage for fruits. If a heard of Fluffies spots one, they will usually shout and panic and try to quickly waddle away. The Black Bear will make chase and usually eat the one that trips, or it will swipe at the slowest one and kill it. Black Bears can even take out a nest by themselves. Even if the fluffies try to hide in a burrow the bears can dig down to them, but they usually go after easier fluffy prey. Black Bears in human ruins have learned that pushing open doors or breaking into boxes, cars, trash cans, and other containers have a good chance of revealing a hiding fluffy. Also note, fluffies also tend to think ALL land animals fear the water like them and will rush into shallow water to escape the black bear. They will then tease the bear, until the bear effortlessly charges into the water and kills them. Panthers: We have talked about the general hunting habits of the panther in log 1, however I’d like to add on the habits of an alpha male panther. Alphas will patrol a large territory and basically kill any animal it does not want in its territory including other male panthers. One alpha has been documented killing 125 fluffies in a mega herd. It only ate 2. Florida Gar: This fish can grow up to 3 meters in length. It used to be a very rare sight this far south in Florida after overfishing from humans. Now, they have made ma huge comeback thanks to the Neverglades low human population and fluffies as a food source. Unlike smaller gar or bass, these fish can eat an adult fluffy. They will glide into the shallows and scoop up a fluffy wading through the water and then use its serpentine body to slither back into the depth all while the fluffy begs to be let go. If the initial bite does not kill it that is. Raptors: Hawks, Eagles, Osprey, Falcons and any large bird that hunts with talons. The red shouldered hawk is very common predator of the skies. “Wingie munstah” as they are called by fluffies are common throughout all habitats and thus Raptors have the largest kill count of fluffies if you don’t count humans. Our camera drones must always use its cloaking device not only to not spook the fluffies, but to hide from raptors. (Video starts) A Red Shouldered Hawk sits on a tall cypress branch as it spots a herd of fluffies waddling into the dried cypress dome. “Fluffy so thiwsty… need some wawas…” They then come across a puddle and joyously begin to drink. That is when the hawk makes its move. It glides down under the branches and before the fluffies can even cry out in warning. The hawk snatches up a small adult fluffy, as it flies the fluffy shits on everything below. The hawk waits for it to stop shitting and carries him up to a branch. All fluffies scatter in fear but one, the victim fluffies mate and her foals. “Wingie munstah! Pwease gib speshuw fwend back!” The foals also cry for their mother’s mate. The hawk then lands on a branch and holds the fluffy down with one talon that has dug into his flesh. The hawk begins to peck at the fluffy’s side and the fluffy begins to cry out “biggest owwies!” The hawk rips out the fluffy’s liver, then a kidney, then more chunks of flesh until the fluffy dies of organ failure. Stated, the hawk then pushes the fluffy off the branch. Its corpse hits multiple branches on the way down until it lands and the mare and her foals begin to cry at his corpse. The mare then is snatched up by a bald eagle and the cycle repeats. The video then shows a clip of two ospreys fighting over a filly midair. It should be noted that not all Raptors kill fluffies by consumption, sometimes they simply drop them. The osprey continue to fight until they drop the filly into the brackish water below. She screams and shouts until she drowns and disappears under the tea-like waters of the estuary. The video then shows a clip of a bald eagle migrating high in the air. The fluffy it is carrying then shits so hard it startles the eagle and it drops it. The video zooms in as the fluffy splats on the abandoned parking lot below. (Video ends) Alligators: These ancient predators are a fluffy’s worst nightmare because it is a “wawa munsta” that can exit the water and kill them. It is immensely rare for an alligator to hunt on land. They are almost entirely ambush predators, laying low in the water, hidden until a land animal needs to take a drink so it can immediately bite the prey’s head and pull it into the water. Such a perfect strategy is why alligators have been relatively unchanged since the time of dinosaurs. Such a strategy is perfect to eat fluffies, to no surprise. However, why wait? Alligators will leave the water, charge at a herd and scoop up one that did not run away in time. If they see trapped fluffies, they can devour multiple. (Video starts) There is a large abandoned Olympic sized swimming pool that has essentially turned into a marsh. Ten fluffies have entered the pool on the shallow end where sediment pile up from draining rainwater has made a ramp. They waddle to the diving well of the pool which has become a small pond within itself. The fluffies begin to drink from the pondwater and a massive alligator from the kiddie pool scurries into the pool marsh. The fluffies finally see her but it is too late. The walls of the pool got them trapped and the alligator blocks the only way out. The alligator slowly gets them to back up into the corner of the pool as they meekly cry and whine and shit. She lunges forward and bites one, then a second, then another! She shallows 3 fluffies down as they scream and defecate. The rest of the herd use this time to escape. However, more alligators enter the marsh pool as their cries altered the whole waterpark. A new video clip starts to show off how some mares will sacrifice foals to save themselves. A mare is cornered in a sewer as a 50cm juvenile alligator hisses and harasses the mare. The foal on her back shouts “Mummah! make wawa munsta go 'way!” She lets out a sad cry “Am sowwy bestes' babbeh.” And drops the foal on the ground, the alligator scoops it up as the mare escapes. (Video ends) Seagulls: Alone they can eat a foal, but a flock can peck a lone adult to death and eat small chunks of them. Those are all the native fluffavores we have for today. Next log we will talk about defective robots that are scattered throughout the Neverglades. And how their glitched programming makes them a threat to fluffies… unless their programming was to kill them in the first place. Then they are not glitched.
(This is part two of my sequel trilogy fix, there are elements in this that won’t make sense if you haven’t read part 1. This one is a lot longer than the last, and it’s the one I’m most proud of of these rewrites, so I hope people enjoy it) Episode VII:https://www.reddit.com/usenamanhahaja/comments/ixcb8q/my_fix_of_star_wars_episode_vii/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf Episode VIII This movie will take place a little under a year after TFA, unlike the original movie. The camera will open to an X-Wing flying through space, piloted by Poe Dameron. Around him, there will be a battle between the First Order and several Resistance ships, instead of just one. In this version part of the New Republic Fleet has escaped the destruction of Hosnian Prime and has joined the Resistance. The battle is more evenly matched at first than a standard Rebels vs Empire thing. One of the Resistance cruisers will be destroyed by the sheer firepower of the First Order, shocking the resistance. Poe will lead the same bombing run he did in the movie, with Paige Tico dying. However, in this version, the bombs will be rocket propelled instead of acting as if there is gravity in space. The Resistance fleet will all jump into hyperspace, escaping the battle. The camera cuts to General Pryde, where he will get a communication from Snoke. Snoke will say that he is disappointed, and Pryde will reassure him that the Resistance cannot run for long. He will not be thrown down like Hux was, and he will not be made into comedic relief. Finn will wake in a bacta tank, having been in a coma for several months from the injuries he sustained from his duel with Kylo. The medical droids will release him from the tank. Poe will then rush into the medical bay, to see the medical droids fitting Finn with a prosthetic arm. Their conversation will be the same as the actual movie, with Finn eventually asking where Rey is. The camera cuts to Rey on Ach-To, running with Leia’s lightsaber in her hand. She is doing an obstacle course prepared by Luke Skywalker, jumping over boulders and deflecting blaster fire from training remotes. She will not be doing too well, getting nicked by a couple shots, but she will eventually finish it, making it to Luke’s domed Jedi temple. Luke is waiting there for her, where he smirks and says that she was sloppy. Rey looks disappointed and sighs. In this version, Luke didn’t try to kill Kylo Ren, but he feels that both he and the Jedi as a whole are flawed due to his inability to stop Ben from turning to the dark side. Even though most of Luke’s students were killed, three of Luke’s students survived in this version, and are on Ach-To with him. In this scene, it is made clear that even though Luke has agreed to train Rey, he has done so very begrudgingly. The camera cuts to Snokes throne room, where Kylo walks out of the elevator, with the Knights of Ren entering from behind him. Most of the conversation between Kylo and Snoke will go the same, with Snoke making fun of his mask and saying that Kylo has much of his father in him. Like in the movie, Kylo will say the he killed Han Solo, and Snoke will say that the act split Kylo to the bone. Snoke will reprimand him for “Believing that defeating a stormtrooper and a girl who had never held a lightsaber while letting Starkiller base crumble makes him comparable to Vader” and for failing to stop Rey from finding Luke. Kylo will angrily stand up to attack, Snoke blasting Kylo with force lightning remains the same. The praetorian guards will draw their weapons, and so will the Knights of Ren to protect Kylo, resulting in a standoff. I’m trying to have more of a rival general feel, than a master and apprentice feel. Even though Snoke is Kylo’s master, the Knights of Ren are loyal to Kylo, not Snoke. Snoke laughs and waves his hand, and the Praetorian guards will sheath their weapons. As Kylo gets to his feet, the Knights of Ren will do the same. Snoke will say to Kylo “You want to kill me. That is the way of the Sith, they killed their masters to gain power. But we are not Sith, and you are no Vader, just a child in mask” Kylo destroying his mask in the elevator will remain the same. When the elevator doors open, Kylo and the Knights of Ren will enter the bridge. Kylo will say “Prepare our ships” Cutting back to Ach To, Rey will be inside the library tree, reading through the ancient Jedi texts. Luke will walk in, and tell Rey that the Jedi failed. That the Jedi need to be moved on from, and stop trying to affect the galaxy, as every time they do, it just leads to more pain and destruction. Rey will protest, saying that the Jedi need to live on, as they inspire hope in the galaxy. Luke will then reply like he did in the actual movie, saying that the Jedis hubris was what allowed Darth Sidious to wipe them out and that it was a Jedi who was responsible for the creation of Darth Vader. Rey will reply like she did in the movie, saying “It was also a Jedi who redeemed him” before asking him, clearly not for the first time, to come with her to help the Resistance. Luke will be unable to respond to this, looking down and telling Rey that she’s had a hard day of training, and should go get some rest. Rey and Luke will exit the ancient library. Luke goes to his domed temple and Rey will go down to the huts, where she will be greeted by Luke’s three surviving students. Rey has a disappointed look on her face, so they ask her what’s wrong. Rey says “Master Skywalker...what’s wrong with him? I’ve heard legends about him, I didn’t expect him to be like this” Lukes students will look saddened by this comment. One of them replies “He hasn’t been the same since that night. When Ben turned, we lost so many people...” He chokes up and trails off, and another one of Luke’s students puts her hand on his shoulder to comfort him, before she says to Rey “Master Skywalker blames himself for what happened to Ben” Rey turns and looks towards Luke’s temple, now beginning to understand why her comment about him redeeming Vader hurt him so much. The camera cuts back to the remaining ships of the Resistance fleet. On the bridge of the Raddus, Finn and Poe will be standing with Leia. Admiral Akbar will sound the alarm and suddenly several Star Destroyers, including the Supremacy will come out of Hyperspace right behind the resistance fleet. As Kylo, the Knights of Ren and a few other TIE fighters fly towards the resistance fleet, General Pryde will order two Star Destroyers to flank the Raddus. The Raddus and the Star Destroyer open fire on each other, but due to the shielding on the Raddus, it takes only minimal damage while the Star Destroyer is destroyed. Poe and several resistance X-wings are engaged in a skirmish with the TIE fighters. Kylo and the Knights of Ren fly out to the Raddus and stop in front of it. Leia senses what’s going to happen and moves to the front of the bridge. Like in the movie, Kylo cannot bring himself to fire on his mother. Three of the Knights of Ren however, fire torpedoes at the bridge of the Raddus. Leia holds out her hand and closes her eyes. The torpedos suddenly stop in place. As Leia exhales, she uses the force to launch the torpedoes towards one of the Star Destroyers, destroying it. Kylo’s eyes widen from his cockpit as he sees this, before General Pryde contacts him. He tells Kylo to fall back, Kylo and the Knights of Ren return to the Supremacy. The Supremacy opens fire on the last remaining New Republic ship, destroying it. Back on the bridge of the Raddus, Leia collapses, as she hasn’t used the force on that large a scale in a long time. The camera then cuts to Luke watching Rey as she and one of Luke’s other students practice their lightsaber skills in a sparring match against each other with wooden staffs. Luke then drops to his knees, holding his chest in pain. Rey and the other student rush over to Luke, asking if he’s alright. He simply mutters “Leia...” Back on the Raddus, Admiral Ackbar says that General Organa is stable but unconscious, so he will have to take control of the fleet until she wakes up. Poe walks up confused, and asks why there is no plan. Akbar pulls him aside and tells him that he suspects there is a mole passing information to the First Order, as that is the only way they could’ve tracked them through light speed. The camera cuts to Rey and Chewie sitting outside the falcon at night, huddled around a campfire. Behind them, a hooded figure will sneak past them and enter the Falcon. Chewie will turn and roar, recognising Luke’s footsteps. Rey will simply sigh and say “He’s been going in there every night since we arrived” Inside the bridge of the Falcon, Luke will sit down on the cockpit chair and grab the dice belonging to Han Solo. Luke holds the dice close to his face as a tear rolls down his cheek. We never got to see Luke mourning Han in the original movie, so I really wanted to add a scene like this in. As he gets up and goes to get out, he is intercepted by R2, and we will get the same reunion scene between them, with Leia’s message from Episode IV, and Luke saying “That's a cheap move” before once again refusing to go help the Resistance. Everything with Rose and Finn at this point of the movie remains the same, except Finn isn’t trying to run away, he is trying to find Rey and warn her about the First Order. After Rose tases him, he reveals that there is no mole, and that the First Order has light speed tracking. They tell Poe, and contact Maz Kanata, who tells them there is someone on Canto Bight that can help them. They inform admiral Akbar, and he then sends Finn, Poe and Rose to Canto Bight. Akbar tells them that if they don’t come back in time, he will have to resort to a contingency plan. The camera cuts to Rey waking up in one of the huts. She sees Kylo Ren standing in front of her. This first force bond scene goes exactly the same as the actual movie. When Rey lies to Luke that her blaster just went off, he tells her to come with him. The scene of Luke teaching Rey to meditate and feel the force goes exactly the same as the movie. Luke is shocked when Rey goes straight to the dark. He tells her that there is a cave strong in the dark side on this island, and that Rey must go in there to confront her deepest fears and inner darkness. When Rey goes towards the cave, Luke tells her she will not need her weapons. When she asks why, he smirks and says she needs to trust him on this, referencing Luke’s own training in ESB. Rey drops her staff on the floor and leaves her belt with her blaster and lightsaber behind. As Rey walks in, she immediately has a vision of herself as an old woman on Jakku, scavenging for parts. The vision then changes to a view of Kylo swinging his lightsaber towards Finn's neck. Rey cries out and falls backwards, out of the cave. Luke will help her up and tell her that she has been in there for hours, even though it only felt like a few seconds. In her second attempt, she goes to the mirror room, which goes down the same way it did in the actual movie. She will walk to the end and ask who her parents are, and the cave will show her an image of her parents. However, as neither she nor the audience recognise the son of Palpatine and his wife, both Rey and the audience will assume that they are nobodies. Rey will look at them and walk past them. As she moves on, she no longer feels afraid of what will happen to her, or her friends and she no longer cares about her lineage, as she knows that she is a Jedi. She calmly walks out of the cave and Luke puts a hand on her shoulder. Next, we cut to Canto Bight. It is controlled by the Hutts in this version, and we will see a Hutt lording over the casino. It makes perfect sense for the Hutts to make money by selling weapons to both sides of the war. There are no slave children or space horses, I want to trim down this scene to focus more on the scenes that actually matter. On the Raddus, Leia will wake up in the medical bay after Luke reaches out to her through the force, just like she did in the actual movie. Luke will pause for a moment, deep in thought, before standing up and running towards the huts. Instead of DJ, Finn, Rose and Poe meet Lando. Lando agrees to go with them, but then security walks up to him and says that he has an outstanding debt with the house. There is a bit of a chase scene, and they eventually get to their ship and get off the planet. We cut back to Ach-To, where Kylo and Rey are speaking through a force bond in one of the huts. This one is more deep, where Kylo reveals a lot about his past, and his struggle with the dark side. As they talk, Rey realises that Kylo is not completely consumed by the dark side. Even though he has enough hate and pain to corrupt a Kyber crystal, there is still good in him. They will both touch hands, and then we will hear Luke’s voice from a distance. After having reached out to Leia, Luke has changed his mind. He says “Rey, I was wrong, I will come with you to help the Resist-“ As he enters the hut he cuts himself off upon seeing Rey and Kylo touching hands. He then cuts their force connection and blows apart the hut like he did in the actual movie. Luke then storms away from Rey, as she follows him into the rain. Rey grabs Luke’s shoulder and turns him around. She says that there is still good in Ben Solo, and that with Luke’s help, she knows she can redeem him. Luke will say that Ben’s turn was all his fault, that he saw the darkness in Ben from a young age, and that he tried to help him but failed. Luke trusted Ben, and had faith that he would overcome his darkness, until one day Luke went off on a mission to another planet with a handful of his students. While Luke was away, something happened that made Ben snap. Luke came back to find his Jedi academy in flames and most of his students dead. Luke looks at Rey, his eyes filled with sorrow and regret, and he says that he cannot lose her the way he lost Ben. At this point, all the noise and commotion has woken up Luke’s three remaining students. They are all standing around, watching this conversation unfold. Rey takes Leia’s lightsaber from her belt and holds it out towards Luke, silently begging him to come with her. Luke just looks down in shame and says nothing. Rey angrily scoffs before clipping the lightsaber to her belt and going to the Falcon and leaving the planet. Finn, Poe, Rose and Lando will board the supremacy, where they will be caught and arrested by stormtroopers, except that Lando will obviously not betray them like DJ did. Finn talks to the stormtroopers, as he knows them, and tries to convince them that what the First Order is doing is wrong. He will use his trauma and his experience with the Resistance to try to get through to the other stormtroopers, giving a moving and heartfelt speech. He manages to get through to them a little, but they still take him to Phasma and General Pryde to be executed, though they clearly aren’t happy about it. After having woken up, Leia will then go to the bridge of the Raddus, where Admiral Akbar will tell her that Finn, Rose and Poe have failed to stop the light speed tracking, Leia sighs and says they must fall back onto their last resort contingency plan. The resistance troops all go down to the docking bay of the Raddus, where the Tantive IV is being held. Leia orders them all to enter her ship. The Tantive IV takes off and heads towards Crait, while the Raddus, now only piloted by Admiral Akbar, continues flying at a slow pace to distract the First Order. Back on Ach-To, Luke goes to burn the tree with the sacred Jedi texts and the exact scene from the movie with the force ghost of Yoda happens. It is a beautiful scene, and I wouldn’t change a moment of it. On board the Supremacy, the scene with Snoke, Rey and Kylo will go mostly the same. However, instead of saying that he bridged Rey and Kylo’s minds, Snoke will reveal that they are a dyad in the force. Snokes death and Rey and Kylo’s fight against the Praetorian guards will remain almost exactly the same. The only differences are that Snoke will be killed by Leia’s lightsaber instead of Anakin’s, and that Kylo’s unstable crossguard lightsaber will be destroyed by the last Praetorian Guard. As the guard is strangling him, Kylo will draw Anakin’s lightsaber from his belt, which he corrupted and made the blade red in the last movie, and stab it through the guards face. It’s sad that I have to say this, but the editing and choreography in this fight will be better. Rey and Kylo’s conversation after the fight will be exactly the same. When Rey refuses to join him, he reaches for Anakin’s corrupted lightsaber, but Rey grabs it with the force, and they both battle over the saber with the force. Except it is not destroyed, as Admiral Akbar sacrifices himself in the same way Holdo did before it can be. Much like in the actual movie, Akbar’s sacrifice will allow Finn, Poe, Rose and Lando to escape being executed and fight back. A shootout will occur and Finn will fight Phasma. As in this version, Finn fought Phasma in the last movie and lost, this is a rematch. Phasma will eventually disarm Finn, but as she goes for the killing blow, Finns blocks the swing by grabbing her wrist with his metal arm. As they struggle, one of the stormtroopers Finn spoke to earlier will shoot Phasma in the back, distracting her. Using the mechanical strength of the prosthetic, Finn throws Phasma back into a chasm that has opened up from the destruction of the ship. Phasma is hanging onto the edge for her life. Finn tries to save Phasma by holding out his hand for her to grab onto, but she snarls “Rebel scum!” And let’s go, letting herself fall to her death. Finn, Rose, Poe and Lando will then come face to face the stormtroopers that first arrested them. However, as Finn got through to them earlier, they lower their blasters and allow our heroes to escape. On Crait, things will go similar to the actual movie, with the battle going south for the Resistance. The Resistance docks the Tantive IV inside the abandoned Rebel Base. Finn, Poe, Rose and Lando will arrive in Snokes shuttle and join the battle, but will eventually hide in the abandoned rebel base with the rest of the resistance. Rose will still stop Finn's attempted sacrifice because she can’t lose another friend the way she lost her sister, but there will be no forced romance between Finn and Rose. This is when Luke Skywalker will show up. His interactions with Leia, C3PO and the rest of the Resistance will go exactly the same. He will then walk out of the hole that was blasted in the base. Rey and Chewie have arrived in the Falcon at this point and are taking on TIE fighters like they did in the actual movie. Kylo will tell everyone to fire on Luke. A key difference in this version is that Luke’s force projection will actually be able to interact with the world around it, which explains why it is taxing enough on Luke to be able to kill him, to be able to almost teleport himself across the galaxy while not being there. When the AT-M6s open fire on Luke, he holds out his hand and all the blasts hit an invisible wall in front of him, similar to how Cere Junda deflected Vader’s lightsaber in Jedi:Fallen Order, but on a much larger scale. When the AT-M6s stop firing, Luke will brush his shoulder sarcastically like he did in the actual movie. He then reaches out with both hands and closes his eyes. Through the force, Luke pulls the AT-M6s to the ground. In their shuttle, both Kylo and General Pryde watch in shock as the walkers come crashing to the ground. Kylo then lands his shuttle in front of Luke and steps out. When Kylo says “Are you here to redeem me, to save my soul?” Luke will reply “The only person who can do that is you, but I am here to help guide you down the right path. I won’t leave you Ben, not this time” Kylo snarls in rage before taking off his cloak and igniting Anakin’s corrupted red lightsaber. Luke sighs with regret and ignites his green lightsaber. The duel between Luke and Kylo will remain mostly the same, with the samurai style camerawork, the close ups of their faces and subtle changes in their stances. Much like in the movie, Luke will fight purely defensively, easily dodging all of Kylo’s strikes. Kylo eventually gets frustrated and angrily calls Luke a coward. Luke replies with “I failed you Ben, I’m sorry” Their dialogue from here goes on exactly the same as the movie. When Kylo goes to kill Luke, his lightsaber goes right through Luke as if he wasn’t even there. As Kylo realises what is going on, and prods Luke’s image with his lightsaber, Luke’s image starts to slowly fade away. “See ya around kid” he says before vanishing. The camera cuts to Luke hovering in mid air while meditating in his temple, overlooking the sunset on Ach-To. He collapses from exhaustion. Before Luke dies, we hear a voice belonging to Obi-Wan Kenobi, telling Luke to let go and that he can finally rest now. Luke Skywalker fades away and becomes one with the force as the sun sets. After Luke vanishes, Kylo screaming in rage will remain the same. Rey lifting the rocks with the force and the Resistance escaping from Crait goes exactly the same as the original movie. When Kylo storms the rebel base, we will see the Knights of Ren cut down a few Resistance troops to make them more of a credible threat. Kylo finding Han Solo’s dice, which fade away in his hand will remain the same. The Falcon and the Tantive IV dock to each other in space. Rey telling Leia that she sensed that Luke died with peace and purpose remains the same. Everyone celebrates their survival, however they all then hear a raspy and cold voice echo through the air, the voice of Palpatine speaking to everyone through the force: ”At last the work of generations is complete, the great error is corrected. The day of reckoning is at hand, the day of revenge, the day of the Sith!” Everyone is shocked and terrified, asking what just happened, and what they are meant to do. Rey, Leia, Finn and Poe will calm everyone down, telling them that they must fight on. Both ships go into hyperspace, and the credits roll. (I’d love to hear people’s criticism and feedback in the comments)
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